


At 40 we died from a bullet we put in our hearts when we were 20

by Elvendorkwanwan



Category: Tenet (2020)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:09:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26333875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elvendorkwanwan/pseuds/Elvendorkwanwan
Summary: Ives never liked that man. In other words, it’s hard for  anyone to like a stranger who just showed up one day and said a bunch of crazy things to your face when you were 15.
Relationships: Ives/Neil, Neil/The Protagonist (Tenet), The Protagonist/Neil/Ives
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	At 40 we died from a bullet we put in our hearts when we were 20

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [我们四十岁时死于一颗我们在二十岁那年射进自己心脏的子弹](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26334034) by [Elvendorkwanwan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elvendorkwanwan/pseuds/Elvendorkwanwan). 



> Mild child abuse implied.

Ives never liked that man. In other words, it's hard for anyone to like a stranger who just showed up one day and said a bunch of crazy things to your face when you were 15. Neil, on the other hand, in Wheeler's words, "To him, any shady criminal, thief, or pedophile is just one friendly face. " She wondered how he remained intact-both his knees and face were clean without any bruises or scars-while growing up in an orphanage until he reached the age of 15.  
"That must’ve been your doings, "she said later, whispering in Ives's ear when she first met Neil. He looked at her in bewilderment. She raised an eyebrow and pointed at his childhood friend. "A beautiful boy who grew up in an orphanage that got a master's degree in physics but somehow still managed to have kind of smile on his face? My friend, he is literally a 21st century fairytale. "  
But there was nothing special about that smile she was referring to, it was just Neil being Neil.  
Ives wished he could take all the credit, but he knew he was not the one. Sure, he'd been in countless fights because of Neil, even whipped by that creepy old Dean of their orphanage, but that wasn't enough to keep his best friend alive in that brick house that bred the despair and hatred of not being loved. It was because of that man.  
But then again, Ives never understood Neil's feverish, almost abnormal admiration and trust towards that man. Yes, they were orphans, frozen and starving on the streets at the age of 7, but the whole theory of parental love was bullshit, because they didn't get a good night kiss on their foreheads every night and a homemade sandwich stuffed in their schoolbags, should they be thirsty for adults' false promises and mindless "I love you"?  
In Neil's mind, however, it was as simple as that. The first time the man appeared in front of them, dressed in a tailored suit, was spewing a torrent of craziness. After that, he became a frequent visitor to the orphanage, and Neil started to get excited around each visit, tumblring in bed, sometimes looking grave. Some other kid said that that man must was a pervert like the Dean, Ives gave him a black eye for that. For half a month, then, on a gloomy afternoon, that man placed a flimsy adoption certificate on the Dean's desk and took away Ives' best friend.  
Outraged, Ives refused to say goodbye to Neil, locked himself in the room and refused to eat any cake left over from the Farewell Party Sister Martha had left at his door. Months later, Neil sent him a few letters, Ives thrown them into his drawer before even reading them. Ives never liked that man, but he was even angrier that Neil had betrayed their friendship for a man he had only known for half a month-though, in fact, they had never talked about what was going to happen when they reached 16, but Ives had always planned on it, one more year, and they would be old enough to leave this dirty shithole for good and get a new life together.  
And it was not until much later that Ives learned that fifteen was not the age at which Neil first met that man.  
"I was eleven years old. Sister Martha made me work in the garden, then there he was, with a crazy look on his face, standing there looking at me over the fence in a rather strange suit for minutes before he walked away in an inverted manner." Ives thought to himself, didn't they tell you before? Never talk to strangers outside the fence. Neil did not explain what "strange suit" meant, but Ives could imagine what that was like. He had always considered that man's taste in clothes was horrible.  
"I asked him later what time and place he was from, but of course he wouldn't tell me, " said Neil, "I guess he just finished a job because he still had the red sign on his arm, still, that was probably him at his youngest self. You'd be surprised. "  
At the time of this conversation, Ives, 12 years older than his sulking 15, had already joined Tenet. It took him a long time to convince himself that his long lost childhood friend wasn't brain damaged from studying too much physics, and a longer time to listen to that man's tirades, then took all the physical training he had never heard of, to get here. Still, Ives, at the age of twenty-seven, had no love for that man. At the time, the man was older than he remembered, his manicured beard now had a shade of gray, but he still wore a three piece suit and occasionally patted Neil on the head after adjusting his position of holding a gun.  
Ives had moments like that in the military, and the officer who patted him on the head was already another nameless body buried under the ruins of Mosul. Ives left Orphanage at 16 to join the army, and before that, he sent Neil a letter, to the same address as written on the unopened ones from a year ago. Ives didn't know why he did it or what to write about, so he stuffed some dandelions he'd picked from the yard into his letter and told Neil about joining the army. At the age of nineteen, he was assigned to Iraq with the air force. Nobody knew that he hadn't even kissed anyone the first time he killed someone. Those days became the hangnail on his fingernail, he pulled them out but they were still there, and the pain never went away. He saw all kinds of numbness at the war, and people always found a way to close their eyes just so they didn't tremble when they pulled the trigger or stomped on a broken civilization with their boots. He met Wheeler there, and after they got back from Baghdad, they went on a couple of dates, then both decided they'd rather drink and fight together than exchange body fluids. She was the only one who knew what it was like to have a panic attack when a brake screeched or someone opened champagne in the restaurant. Ives had trouble sleeping for a long time, Wheeler told him it was probably he had too many pillows. He still couldn't sleep after he took off the pillows. Before long, Neil was back in his life. He was standing at the door smiling as if the previous ten years hadn't happened, and that man was simply standing behind Neil while nodding at Ives, like it was nothing.  
Ives later told Wheeler it wasn't about the pillows, it was his gun. When he finally joined Tenet, Neil gave him a Glock 17 as a gift, which he put under his pillow. Since then, Ives never lost sleep. The day went on, and the bond that broke years ago between him and Neil was reconnected, even though Neil had led a very different life after the age of 15 and even got a worthless master's degree in physics. It was all paid by that man's money, Ives thought. And that man's will.  
He and Neil didn't see each other much, but Neil liked to come in unannounced, lay on his couch for days after a mission and share the last adventure with him. Of course, the stories were always about Neil and that man. Ives had always scoffed at Neil's words, "it's cowboy shit". Ives figure it was probably an American thing. He never had it and didn't want it.  
"But you joined Tenet, " Neil once protested.  
"Not to save the world, just to make a living, "Ives answered.  
"I don't think so. I think if the world needs you and your team needs you, you will always step out. You'd rather die than betray anybody." Neil looked at him."You and him are exactly the same. "  
Him, of course, is referring to that man.  
But Ives knew they were not. He and that man had nothing in common, and if they occasionally made the same decisions on the battlefield, for example, rushing into a burning building to save a stranger, their cause and motivations were never the same. Ives just believed that anyone, no matter whom, their lives were always more valuable than his, that's all. If there was ever a time when the world really needed him to give up his life, he would do it in a heartbeat. And this had nothing to do with any cowboy shit.  
It's just that Ives never thought he'd actually be given a chance like that.  
That man came to visit him at one summer night, and Neil wasn't with him. He knew that Ives didn't like him, and he rarely dealt with him directly, but he came anyway. He told Ives that he was the only one he could and would trust.  
"What about Neil? " Ives asked.  
"I can't tell you," he said. "ignorance is our best armament. "  
"Whatever happened happened, right? " Ives said wryly.  
"I hope you really think it through before making a decision, it’s a serious offer, that I probably wouldn’t give to anyone else." That man said to him, looking tired and gaunter than Ives had ever seen.  
"I am in."Ives simply said.  
"Alright," that man didn’t even blink-of course he wouldn’t, he was from the future, he knew it all-he just nodded, "I suppose I should say farewell and see you at the beginning then? "  
"When? "Ives realized that this was the end, the last time he saw him in his future self.  
"Soon." He said.  
Ives never liked that man, but at that particular moment, he came to understand this so-called cowboy shit.  
And not long after, everything happened just like he said it would.  
Oslo, Italy, and finally Tallinn. When he met that man in Oslo, it was the first time Ives had seen anger and fear in his eyes. That man had always been gentle and self possessed since Ives knew him, this was a completely different person. Younger, more reckless, and angrier, which Ives secretly admired. Ives watched him push Neil up against the wall and lose his grip on what was happening around him, and for the first time felt a surge of near-sympathy for him. So, even the great man himself was once young, fearful of what might happen and held linear thinking as the most important thing in the world. He was surprised that Neil was acting flawless in front of that man, as if he wasn't meeting his mentor and friend of his life. Ives would certainly keep his mouth shut. Of course, he still took every opportunity to bickering about their "cowboy shit" as half his head was about to be blown off, he was not willing to give up his only pleasure.  
Before Tallinn's mission began, he told that man their final plan, as he had promised. There was no reliving feelings as Ives imagined earlier in seeing the light faded away in someone's eyes as they realized they were going to die. Turned out, being a time lord sucked, Ives thought. Maybe he should have treated that man with more respect in the past.  
But Neil's last appearance was a complete surprise. Either there was a change in the timeline or that man thought this was a harmless detail that could be left untold.  
A detail that would make Ives give up that opportunity.  
Now, the world did need Ives to give up his life, but he never realized that wasn’t enough-of course it wasn’t, he was no one, his life meant nothing. But Ives just didn’t know saving this goddamn world would also include sacrificing Neil's life. His gun went between Neil and the man, and then he thought, fuck. Fuck! He coulnd't do it. Turns out he just couldn't.  
The man probably knew it, so he made the decision for him.  
Ives didn't realize what he was doing when he said it, until Neil's eyes went dark and tried really hard to put a smile back on his face again. Neil was indeed an excellent locksmith, he had mastered this craft by stealing magazines and knives from sister Martha's drawer since they were kids. Ives didn't know where Neil's been practicing since he left the orphanage, but he was getting better and better every time and he managed to open every door for them. Even that one door.  
Before Ives quitted Tenet, they told him that he could always use the device to make a harmless time travel, visit a loved one, or relive the best day of his life. Ives didn't know which day was the best day of his life. He traveled through other people's past and future, and until then, all he had were broken pieces: drinking tea in the garden with nothing to do; sun crawling over the sheets, he stretched himself in the orange light; the night sky of Baghdad was lit by stars instead of explosions... They were fleeting moments, like those dandelions in the letter he had written to Neil when he was fifteen, they were fragile and dried out of life by time. Most of all, Ives hated the device, some people came out of it and changed the world forever, some people went in it and never came back.  
Tenet also promised him freedom and a cover to live a normal life. Ives went back to England to his old flat, he was planning to pack his things then moved to some tropical country. In a drawer in the cupboard, he found the letters Neil had written to him when they were both 15, and they had not yet been read. Ives stared at them for a long time, the paper were crispy and the handwriting were fading but he could tell it was Neil, he recognized Neil's habit of drawing long tails of As. But still, Ives didn't open the letters, just dropped them at the bottom of his suitcase. Any kind of visit to the past would be insufferable for him.  
Ives never saw that man again, and he believed that they would both keep that promise and never see each other again unless with guns pointing at their heads. In a way, Ives sympathized with him, because he knew that man would always keep going back in time, because he needed to live in the past, or he wouldn't be able to face all those empty spaces and pale walls.  
People always find a way to close their eyes so they won't tremble when they pull the trigger. That man choses his way. Ives, he choses not to close his eyes.


End file.
